If you visit sites like Yahoo, Google and MSN, you will find a news story about some new list that has been released. The top 10 worst commuting cities. The top 10 best beach resorts. The top 10 ways to lose weight. The lists are interesting to me and I find myself clicking these links to see if I can guess the number 1 on each list. “The Carrot Juice and Liverwurst diet has to be number 1. C’mon carrot Juice….. Number 5! That’s bullshit! Who came up with this crap! How are palates better than carrot juice and liverwurst?”
Americans we seem to be obsessed with these lists – as is seen every night on Late Night with David Letterman. His lists are fictional and created for a laugh. However, a quick Google search reveals that there are plenty of serious lists out there that are as funny as Dave’s and some that are just plain are disturbing.
Top 10 Bizarre Body Modifications
Top 10 Most Beautiful Fish
Top 10 Lesser Known Massacres
Top 10 Most Unusual Last Wills and Testaments
Top 10 Rejected New Jersey State Slogans
And my personal favorite –
The Top 10 Most bizarre things men have been caught having sex with (a fence was number 1, barely edging out a lamp post and a picnic table)
There are lists on everything: Sports, politics, cooking, business, travel. You name it. In an attempt to make a splash in this new genre of interesting, yet completely useless information, I currently researching a few top 10’s of my own that will define how Americans live, play, and work for decades to come.
10 worst places to get your zipper caught
Top 10 ways to lose your car keys
Top 10 ways to seal an envelope
Top 10 seasonings for Sauerbraten
10 worst types of athletic socks
I have put in hours of research on these lists and am developing them using a $63 Million grant provided by the Department of Homeland Security. I have a team of 30 researchers from Germany to Idaho working round the clock. We are using cutting edge oracle databases and the latest statistical regression analyses developed at the University of Chicago.
Look for the results in your internet search engine soon.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Car Woes
I didn’t have anything good to write about for the past few weeks- until an incident yesterday involving my car.
I bought an Acura TSX in early 2008. This thing is loaded and it looks awesome. It’s fast, quiet and still gets nearly 30 mpg’s on the highway. The difficulty I am having is that today it was broken into…..for the second time.
The first time it was “violated” was in front of my house, and to make matters worse, it got rained on all night long. I live in Haverhill Mass, which is a community of very wealthy people on the outskirts and a downtown filled with litter, shopping carts and those who like to discard litter and shopping carts in the street. It’s an interesting mix-to put it politely. There is a Mercedes dealership across the street from a check cashing business and a pawn shop.
The thugs were after my Garmin GPS unit, and they got their prize. I left the suction cups on the windshield and hid the Garmin in the glovebox – unlocked. Lesson learned (or so I thought). Like a dumbass I used this opportunity to justify buying a better GPS unit. One with live traffic, all the posted speed limits and a huge screen. I protected this like it was my second child. Well, maybe not. I wouldn’t lock my kid in the glove box or hang him/her from the front windshield. You know what I mean though.
Yesterday I headed out to work and took the GPS unit with me because I had a meeting in South Boston, and that place baffles me. One wrong turn and you’re on a one-way conveyor out of the city entirely. I went to my meeting and returned to my office. I work in downtown Boston (when I actually go to the office) and I park in the Government Center Parking Garage next to my building. The garage is located between the City Courthouse and the Beacon Hill/Financial District precinct of the Boston Police Department. Pretty safe, or so I thought. Sometime yesterday afternoon some loser thugs smashed the window, tore through the car and found my beloved Garmin in the center console. I didn’t leave the suction cups on the window, but I didn’t lock the Garmin up either thinking the garage had enough traffic that someone wouldn’t take the time to hunt for valuables. Luckily they didn’t steal the Starbucks frequent coffee drinker card I keep in the console as well. I am one cup away from a free Venti.
I found my smashed in car on my way out yesterday and notified all the proper authorities, including the Keystone Cops who work security in the garage (who incidentally were playing cards in their shack when I found them.) They filled out a “report” which consisted of scribbling on the back of a notepad. Not the paper, but the actual cardboard back. I asked if they had the place under surveillance. The response was “no, that’s why we’re here”. So a bunch of card-playing assholes, who didn’t look like they couldn’t outrun a drunk turtle, are in charge of the security of all vehicles in this garage. Ok….
I then walked next door to file my police report. The officer was very helpful and understanding of my frustration. I don’t have a history with the Boston Police, but the few encounters I have had (nothing illegal), they’ve been very professional and humane.
Back to the garage I go to get my car and haggle my way out of paying the $33 for the day’s parking. The garage manager, which surprisingly was a woman in her late 20's or earily 30's, made a phone call and the blundering troop of security guards show up a few moments later, armed with a vacuum cleaner, Windex and riot gear type face masks. They sucked every fleck of glass out of my car and wiped down what windows remained. Then all four of them jumped into the same golf cart and sped away, tires screeching. Apparently between card games, these guys found time to drop a Chevy big block into their golf cart. The garage manager then asked me for my parking ticket and validated it.
So I got to thinking on my way home. Don’t cars come with alarms? And if so, why the hell didn’t mine go off? Maybe it did, but the security team was tuning the engine in their golf cart and didn’t hear it. I was told after the first break-in that factory alarms only sound when someone tries to pry open the door. Well who the fuck is going to take the time do that? That could take hours. Apparently you can smash a window and be gone in less than a minute. Well that doesn’t sound ok to me. So instead of going to get a new Garmin this weekend, I will be buying a real car alarm.
Thank god glass claims are free in Massachusetts.
I bought an Acura TSX in early 2008. This thing is loaded and it looks awesome. It’s fast, quiet and still gets nearly 30 mpg’s on the highway. The difficulty I am having is that today it was broken into…..for the second time.
The first time it was “violated” was in front of my house, and to make matters worse, it got rained on all night long. I live in Haverhill Mass, which is a community of very wealthy people on the outskirts and a downtown filled with litter, shopping carts and those who like to discard litter and shopping carts in the street. It’s an interesting mix-to put it politely. There is a Mercedes dealership across the street from a check cashing business and a pawn shop.
The thugs were after my Garmin GPS unit, and they got their prize. I left the suction cups on the windshield and hid the Garmin in the glovebox – unlocked. Lesson learned (or so I thought). Like a dumbass I used this opportunity to justify buying a better GPS unit. One with live traffic, all the posted speed limits and a huge screen. I protected this like it was my second child. Well, maybe not. I wouldn’t lock my kid in the glove box or hang him/her from the front windshield. You know what I mean though.
Yesterday I headed out to work and took the GPS unit with me because I had a meeting in South Boston, and that place baffles me. One wrong turn and you’re on a one-way conveyor out of the city entirely. I went to my meeting and returned to my office. I work in downtown Boston (when I actually go to the office) and I park in the Government Center Parking Garage next to my building. The garage is located between the City Courthouse and the Beacon Hill/Financial District precinct of the Boston Police Department. Pretty safe, or so I thought. Sometime yesterday afternoon some loser thugs smashed the window, tore through the car and found my beloved Garmin in the center console. I didn’t leave the suction cups on the window, but I didn’t lock the Garmin up either thinking the garage had enough traffic that someone wouldn’t take the time to hunt for valuables. Luckily they didn’t steal the Starbucks frequent coffee drinker card I keep in the console as well. I am one cup away from a free Venti.
I found my smashed in car on my way out yesterday and notified all the proper authorities, including the Keystone Cops who work security in the garage (who incidentally were playing cards in their shack when I found them.) They filled out a “report” which consisted of scribbling on the back of a notepad. Not the paper, but the actual cardboard back. I asked if they had the place under surveillance. The response was “no, that’s why we’re here”. So a bunch of card-playing assholes, who didn’t look like they couldn’t outrun a drunk turtle, are in charge of the security of all vehicles in this garage. Ok….
I then walked next door to file my police report. The officer was very helpful and understanding of my frustration. I don’t have a history with the Boston Police, but the few encounters I have had (nothing illegal), they’ve been very professional and humane.
Back to the garage I go to get my car and haggle my way out of paying the $33 for the day’s parking. The garage manager, which surprisingly was a woman in her late 20's or earily 30's, made a phone call and the blundering troop of security guards show up a few moments later, armed with a vacuum cleaner, Windex and riot gear type face masks. They sucked every fleck of glass out of my car and wiped down what windows remained. Then all four of them jumped into the same golf cart and sped away, tires screeching. Apparently between card games, these guys found time to drop a Chevy big block into their golf cart. The garage manager then asked me for my parking ticket and validated it.
So I got to thinking on my way home. Don’t cars come with alarms? And if so, why the hell didn’t mine go off? Maybe it did, but the security team was tuning the engine in their golf cart and didn’t hear it. I was told after the first break-in that factory alarms only sound when someone tries to pry open the door. Well who the fuck is going to take the time do that? That could take hours. Apparently you can smash a window and be gone in less than a minute. Well that doesn’t sound ok to me. So instead of going to get a new Garmin this weekend, I will be buying a real car alarm.
Thank god glass claims are free in Massachusetts.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Welcome to NY Brett
So the Jets make a splash by trading for Brett Favre. I like the move, and here’s why:
- Having Brett Favre isn’t going to make them worse.
- As much as I like Chad Pennington, Clemens and Favre can throw the deep ball, which makes the offense multi-dimensional.
- They didn’t give up much to get him. The worst that could happen is if the Jets make the Super Bowl and Favre takes 80% of the snaps, the Jets lose a first round pick. If the Jets make the Super Bowl they’re picking around number 31 anyway, so it’s worth it.
- Vinny Testaverde was 34 Jets signed him in 1998. Not too old to lead the league in passing and go 12-1 as a starter. Favre is 4 years older, but with a much higher pedigree and reputation for durability.
As a business decision, this is brilliant. The Jets are the most irrelevant team in New York (aside from the Metro Stars – but who cares?) The four big New York teams are all moving into new stadiums next season - Colin Cowherd noted this morning on ESPN radio. The Yankees have tradition, stars and are perennially in the playoff race. The Mets have stars and are always battling Philly for the AL East. The Giants are the returning Champs. What do the Jets have? What is their draw? Ben Graham the knuckleball punter? Perhaps it’s the chance to catch Bill Belichick wiring hidden cameras in Eric Mangini’s office or to see Broadway Joe drunk on the sidelines. The Jets have no selling power. This was evidenced last season as thousands of fans made the 6 hour trip from Pittsburgh overtake Giants Stadium and see their Steelers. Visiting teams are more interesting than the Jets. The Jets may make the playoffs; they may catch the Pats on a bad Sunday. What is certain however, Jets fans will fill Giants Stadium once again. I love the move. J-E-T-S…Jets Jets Jets Jets!
- Having Brett Favre isn’t going to make them worse.
- As much as I like Chad Pennington, Clemens and Favre can throw the deep ball, which makes the offense multi-dimensional.
- They didn’t give up much to get him. The worst that could happen is if the Jets make the Super Bowl and Favre takes 80% of the snaps, the Jets lose a first round pick. If the Jets make the Super Bowl they’re picking around number 31 anyway, so it’s worth it.
- Vinny Testaverde was 34 Jets signed him in 1998. Not too old to lead the league in passing and go 12-1 as a starter. Favre is 4 years older, but with a much higher pedigree and reputation for durability.
As a business decision, this is brilliant. The Jets are the most irrelevant team in New York (aside from the Metro Stars – but who cares?) The four big New York teams are all moving into new stadiums next season - Colin Cowherd noted this morning on ESPN radio. The Yankees have tradition, stars and are perennially in the playoff race. The Mets have stars and are always battling Philly for the AL East. The Giants are the returning Champs. What do the Jets have? What is their draw? Ben Graham the knuckleball punter? Perhaps it’s the chance to catch Bill Belichick wiring hidden cameras in Eric Mangini’s office or to see Broadway Joe drunk on the sidelines. The Jets have no selling power. This was evidenced last season as thousands of fans made the 6 hour trip from Pittsburgh overtake Giants Stadium and see their Steelers. Visiting teams are more interesting than the Jets. The Jets may make the playoffs; they may catch the Pats on a bad Sunday. What is certain however, Jets fans will fill Giants Stadium once again. I love the move. J-E-T-S…Jets Jets Jets Jets!
Off the wagon.
About 2 months ago my wife read “Skinny Bitch”. She became passionate about its message regarding the things we put in our bodies and where our food comes from. I read the book as well (as noted in a previous post). I liked the fact that it was an easy read and was written in crass conversational language. I come to find out later that the primary author is from New Jersey. Maybe that’s why I understood it so well.
I gave up eating meat. Not all meat, just what I call “land meat”. You could serve me a swordfish steak with a side of crab cakes and a cup of chowder and I’d tear through that like Oprah at a Vegas buffet. Land meat is poultry, beef and pork. Not a huge sacrifice really, as I live in New England and Lobster is the same price as steak tips at the local Shaw’s.
I have been having difficulty lately however. I am constantly hungry, and I find myself filling the void with junk food. In this dietary transition, we have been swept up in the organic marketing craze as well, so I don’t snack on good old fashioned American Lays Potato Chips, but Toms Vermont, Organic, All-Natural, BPA-Free, Whole Grain, Sea Salted Potato Slices. Bullshit. That’s a fancy way to slap a $6 price tag on a god damn bag of tasteless, salty and unfulfilling crap that actually has more saturated fat, sodium and cholesterol than Lays….and what could be more organic than a friggin potato? It grows in the dirt. What’s a non-organic potato? Are there potato labs hidden in the hills of Idaho, creating genetically superior spuds? I doubt it. See….it doesn’t take much for the frustration to emerge. The whole organic movement is Madison Avenue nonsense. Maybe I’m just pissed that I didn’t think of it.
Moving on – My wife wishes to enforce a vegan kitchen. This means no meat or dairy in house. Well shit. I can understand not having meat around - it truly repulses her. I like milk. I like cheese. I especially like eggs. Soy milk is absolutely terrible. It has no flavor and actually makes my Starbucks bold Sumatra coffee taste worse. It does stay good for a really long time though. It has to. Who the hell would drink more than 2 tablespoons of this concoction at a time? Rice milk looks like the water you use to rinse out the paint brush after a few coats of primer. I imagine the taste is similar as well – although I haven’t actually verified this. There is no vegan substitute for cheese or eggs. Vegan cheese is not something you want to experiment with. Have you seen the color of this stuff? You can’t tell me that color occurs in nature. It’s the same color hunters wear so they don’t shoot each other.
I don’t like to think that I’ve given up here. I could keep going. It’s just not for me. If I were independently wealthy with 2 hours to prepare each meal, I would be happy. Not many people have that luxury. The stress involved in attempting to prepare a tasty and filling substitute meal is far more taxing on my body than the baked chicken and rice I would like to eat.
That said - I am back to my carnivorous ways. I won’t flaunt it in front of my wife, as I deeply respect her passionate decision to reject any animal derived products.
I gave up eating meat. Not all meat, just what I call “land meat”. You could serve me a swordfish steak with a side of crab cakes and a cup of chowder and I’d tear through that like Oprah at a Vegas buffet. Land meat is poultry, beef and pork. Not a huge sacrifice really, as I live in New England and Lobster is the same price as steak tips at the local Shaw’s.
I have been having difficulty lately however. I am constantly hungry, and I find myself filling the void with junk food. In this dietary transition, we have been swept up in the organic marketing craze as well, so I don’t snack on good old fashioned American Lays Potato Chips, but Toms Vermont, Organic, All-Natural, BPA-Free, Whole Grain, Sea Salted Potato Slices. Bullshit. That’s a fancy way to slap a $6 price tag on a god damn bag of tasteless, salty and unfulfilling crap that actually has more saturated fat, sodium and cholesterol than Lays….and what could be more organic than a friggin potato? It grows in the dirt. What’s a non-organic potato? Are there potato labs hidden in the hills of Idaho, creating genetically superior spuds? I doubt it. See….it doesn’t take much for the frustration to emerge. The whole organic movement is Madison Avenue nonsense. Maybe I’m just pissed that I didn’t think of it.
Moving on – My wife wishes to enforce a vegan kitchen. This means no meat or dairy in house. Well shit. I can understand not having meat around - it truly repulses her. I like milk. I like cheese. I especially like eggs. Soy milk is absolutely terrible. It has no flavor and actually makes my Starbucks bold Sumatra coffee taste worse. It does stay good for a really long time though. It has to. Who the hell would drink more than 2 tablespoons of this concoction at a time? Rice milk looks like the water you use to rinse out the paint brush after a few coats of primer. I imagine the taste is similar as well – although I haven’t actually verified this. There is no vegan substitute for cheese or eggs. Vegan cheese is not something you want to experiment with. Have you seen the color of this stuff? You can’t tell me that color occurs in nature. It’s the same color hunters wear so they don’t shoot each other.
I don’t like to think that I’ve given up here. I could keep going. It’s just not for me. If I were independently wealthy with 2 hours to prepare each meal, I would be happy. Not many people have that luxury. The stress involved in attempting to prepare a tasty and filling substitute meal is far more taxing on my body than the baked chicken and rice I would like to eat.
That said - I am back to my carnivorous ways. I won’t flaunt it in front of my wife, as I deeply respect her passionate decision to reject any animal derived products.
Friday, August 1, 2008
License Revoked
The state of New Jersey is revoking my mother's drivers license on the grounds of negligent behavior. She has been living and driving in the Garden State since the Ford administration and the state has finally caught up with her.
This is not a problem in New Jersey, and apparently you can survuve for years without this valuable knowledge. However, you don't need a PHD in Mechanical Engineering to work one of these complex machines either. In New Hampshire for example, it is not uncommon to see people filling milk jugs, beer bottles and Dunkin Donuts cups at their local fueling station.
New Jersey and Oregon are only states in the country where pumping your own gas is illegal. I am unsure of the logic behind this law as unrestricted access to these modified flame-throwers is granted to those far more dangerous than my mother - they just live in other states.
Infraction Number 989.09.236H - The Inability to Find the Meadowlands.
Wow! She did not know what exit to take to get to Giants Stadium. Not being able to produce this information is a big no-no in the eyes of State government. It one of several core questions on the State drivers test:
What Exit is Giants Stadium?
A) 5,280
B) 16W
C) 3.1416161616161616
D) Who the hell cares (Go Eagles!)
The Meadowlands is New Jersey's main attraction. It's Mount Rushmore. It's the Grand Canyon. It's Yellowstone National Park. You can't establish residency in New Jersey without knowing this.
As of September 1st she will have to surrender her driving privelages for one year, and the fees for reinstatement are steep:
$200 for a new license
$100 for a new registration
$60 for an eye test
$125 fee to the Gas Station Attendants union
$175 to the Giants for stadium construction
$500 fee for the Jim McGreevy legal council
In all, it could have been worse and at least she's safe.
The infrations.
This is not a problem in New Jersey, and apparently you can survuve for years without this valuable knowledge. However, you don't need a PHD in Mechanical Engineering to work one of these complex machines either. In New Hampshire for example, it is not uncommon to see people filling milk jugs, beer bottles and Dunkin Donuts cups at their local fueling station.
New Jersey and Oregon are only states in the country where pumping your own gas is illegal. I am unsure of the logic behind this law as unrestricted access to these modified flame-throwers is granted to those far more dangerous than my mother - they just live in other states.
Infraction Number 989.09.236H - The Inability to Find the Meadowlands.
Wow! She did not know what exit to take to get to Giants Stadium. Not being able to produce this information is a big no-no in the eyes of State government. It one of several core questions on the State drivers test:
What Exit is Giants Stadium?
A) 5,280
B) 16W
C) 3.1416161616161616
D) Who the hell cares (Go Eagles!)
The Meadowlands is New Jersey's main attraction. It's Mount Rushmore. It's the Grand Canyon. It's Yellowstone National Park. You can't establish residency in New Jersey without knowing this.
As of September 1st she will have to surrender her driving privelages for one year, and the fees for reinstatement are steep:
$200 for a new license
$100 for a new registration
$60 for an eye test
$125 fee to the Gas Station Attendants union
$175 to the Giants for stadium construction
$500 fee for the Jim McGreevy legal council
In all, it could have been worse and at least she's safe.
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